


Harry Potter and the Curse of the Malfoy Dildo

by gracie137



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AKA Fertility Statues, Auror Partners, Bonding, Dildo Antics Like You've Never Seen Before, Dildo Knows Best, Dildos, Forced Bonding, Harry and his pet Dildo, Humor, Jumping Dildos, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pining, Seamus is a Lad TM, Sex Toys, Sexual Humor, Sharing a Bed, magic dildo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 02:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13695309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracie137/pseuds/gracie137
Summary: When Harry goes to a Charity Auction he doesn't expect to come away with a sex toy that used to belong to the Malfoy Family, and he certainly doesn't expect to bond himself to it - but then again, when has Harry's life ever gone as he expects?





	Harry Potter and the Curse of the Malfoy Dildo

**Author's Note:**

  * For [carpemermaid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpemermaid/gifts).



> Thankyou so much for the amazing prompt Carpe, as you can see I got slightly carried away with it, but I regret absolutely nothing. All the love xxx also thankyou to Aibidil for being a fantastic beta xxx
> 
> This fic is one long joke and I hope it brings you all some amusement

Harry tipped back his head and roared with laughter as Seamus bought a rather delightful pair of robes for Dean’s birthday — by delightful, Harry of course meant that they strongly resembled the robes that Ron had worn at the Yule Ball.

“He’s not going to wear them,” Hermione sighed, her exasperated look softened by the pink hue of her cheeks from the wine.

“Maybe he’ll wear them just so I can take them off,” Seamus leered. He was here at the charity ball in Dean’s place because Dean, as the Head of Uni-Magic fashion, had other commitments.

“There is no way anyone is getting laid in those,” Harry said with a grin, accepting another glass of champagne from the waiter. He didn’t mind events like this — sure, he knew his face would be plastered all over the paper tomorrow, but at least he hadn’t been asked to give a speech.

Seamus snorted. “What would you know about getting laid? How long has it been again?”

Harry flipped Seamus off as the table laughed at him. Ginny patted him on the back but didn’t bother to hide her grin. “It has not been that long!” Harry protested.

Seamus shook his head. “Isn’t your right hand tired yet?”

“Fuck you,” Harry groaned, dropping his head into his hands and laughing despite the ribbing. It hadn’t been that long… had it?

“Wouldn’t you like that?” Seamus smirked, winking at Harry. Harry chucked his napkin at Seamus’s head, grinning as Seamus failed to dodge it — served the prat right.

Hermione cleared her throat and shot them all disapproving looks. “Can we not judge people for how long it has been since they last had sex, please? It is up to Harry whether or not he wants to sleep with someone. Sex isn’t everything, you know.”

“Clearly Ron isn’t giving it good enough if that’s your view,” Seamus said, before pulling a face as Ron smacked him round the head playfully.

“Nah, sex is very important to us, isn’t it Hermione?” Ron said, waggling his eyebrows at Hermione. Ron and Hermione had been dating since the war and four years later Harry still didn’t want to know the details of their sex life.

“Idiots,” Hermione sighed, “I’m surrounded by idiots.”

“How I am one of the idiots?” Harry protested, before ducking his head as Hermione glowered at him. He decided that this wasn’t a battle he wanted to fight.

Harry knocked back the vodka shots Ginny had purchased from the bar, and leant his head on Hermione’s shoulder, half-heartedly listening to her explanation of the very exciting and deep book she had managed to win. He glanced across the table at Ron, who was staring at Hermione with what could be taken to be rapt attention — however, Harry knew better. Ron was far too drunk to be listening.

“Oi,” Seamus slurred, throwing the napkin back at Harry. “It’s the last item, Harry. You have to bid.”

“What is it?” Harry asked; he couldn’t be bothered to crane his head to the stage to examine it. Hermione’s shoulder was too comfortable.

“Some mangey old thing,” Seamus said and Harry made the crucial mistake of closing his eye so he couldn’t see whatever stupid fucking grin Seamus was shooting his way. “Given from an old pure-blood family. You can just hide it somewhere.”

“He’s got a point,” Ron said. “The papers will slate you if you don’t buy anything. Just buy it mate, go on.”

He could hear Ron and Seamus snickering but Harry didn’t think anything of it as he stuck his wand up in the air. No one bothered to bid against him — no one wanted to take what the Saviour wanted.

“Fertility statue sold to Mr Harry Potter!” The auctioneer cried.

_ Fertility statue? _ Harry frowned before deciding he didn’t care. What was the worst it could be?

* * *

“You know you’re not meant to be sleeping at work, right Potter?”

Harry groaned, opening one eye and glowering across his desk to where Malfoy was sat opposite him. “Shut up.”

“Did you drink too much?” Malfoy said, sounding particularly unsympathetic. “You and your friends looked to be having a great time in  _ The Prophet  _ this morning,” Malfoy continued and Harry wondered what the true consequence was for hexing one’s Auror partner. He had a feeling it was pretty severe. “What was the charity again? Lonely puppies?”

“War orphans,” Harry replied, smirking as Malfoy pulled a face — that had shut him up quite nicely.

Malfoy was silent for a couple of moments before plowing on — Harry had accepted that Malfoy was never quiet for long. “Did you buy anything?”

“I thought you read the article.”

“I saw the picture and you all looked so obnoxiously Gryffindor that I couldn’t bring myself to continue,” Malfoy huffed and Harry rolled his eyes, finally sitting upright in his chair. “So, did you?”

“Yeah,” Harry yawned, stretching out his arms and staring down at the paperwork in front of him. There was a potions shop in Diagon that needed investigating but the words were swimming in front of Harry’s face. “Seamus made me buy something at the end.” He rubbed his temples and glared at the files in front of him, willing them to make sense. 

“What was it?” Malfoy asked, before sighing. “Honestly, here you go.”

Harry glanced back up to see Malfoy rummaging in his desk drawers before pulling out a small potion vial.

“Hangover potion,” Malfoy said, handing Harry the shimmering blue vial. “You need it more than me.”

Harry groaned in relief before downing the potion in one. He felt instantly better, his head stopped throbbing and his bacon sandwich stopped threatening to make a reappearance. “You’re the best.”

“I know,” Malfoy said, smiling at Harry.

Harry grinned back at him before glancing back down at the files — the words had stopped spinning. He wasn’t sure at what point he and Malfoy had become friends, but that's what they were now. Malfoy even made an effort to be nice to Hermione and Ron whenever he came to the pub, but he always saved those soft smiles just for Harry. Harry liked having Malfoy around. He liked it a lot.

“You should come to the next charity ball — some aren’t too bad,” Harry said, rummaging in his desk for his packet of crisps.

“You’re aware I’m not invited, right?” Malfoy replied dryly, but before Harry could apologise — Harry always forgot just because he had forgiven Malfoy didn’t mean everyone had — Malfoy changed the subject, “Anyway, tell me what you bought?”

“Not sure exactly,” Harry shrugged, biting into a crisp and ignoring Malfoy’s exasperated sigh as he got crumbs over the desk. “It’s being delivered tonight, so I’ll find out then.”

“You bought something without knowing what it was?” Malfoy remarked, and Harry glanced up to catch him raising his eyebrows — he was still smiling though. It was a fond smile, as if Malfoy couldn’t help but laugh at Harry’s antics.

Harry shrugged again and shot Malfoy a crooked grin. “I was drunk,” he said, waving his hand as if that counted as an explanation. “Now what do you think of the sale figures for  _ The Portal _ ? They’re sketchy, right?”

* * *

“Please sign here, Harry Potter,” the delivery boy squeaked out and Harry tried not to cringe. He hoped this wouldn’t be one of those times when he had to sign for things multiple times as the delivery person kept his first signature as a keepsake. Harry took the pen and signed his name, trying to ignore the way — Harry wanted to say it was Ben — was gawking around the room. “Nice place you got here,” Ben said, gazing up at Harry in awe.

“Thanks,” Harry said, taking the box from Ben with an awkward smile. Ben paused on the threshold of the Floo still gazing at Harry — Harry just prayed Ben wasn’t going to ask him to sign a Harry Potter action figure. Those action figures had been the worst thing ever to happen — Harry  _ wished  _ he was that stacked.

“No worries,” Ben said, and Harry stared at his Floo, wondering how to ask the poor lad to politely fuck off, when Ben finally said, “So I guess I better be going.”

“Yeah, I’ve got Auror stuff to do,” Harry said, unsure where that lie had come from.

“Cool!” Ben breathed, his eyes wide before he blushed and hurried back through the Floo.

Harry sighed and dropped down onto his sofa, staring at the box in his hands. What had he fucking bought last night? He had memories of the words  _ fertility statue  _ but Harry had no idea what that entailed. Was it like a god or goddess? A Buddha statue? Grimmauld had loads of rooms he could just hide it in — or he could gift it to someone.

Perhaps he’d gift it to Ron and Hermione out of the kindness of his heart if they started having children — also as a  _ fuck you _ to Ron for tricking Harry into buying it.

Harry cast another dubious look at the box before slowly unwrapping it and pulling out…

Harry’s mind went blank as he stared at the bottom of the box, because nestled there in the white tissue paper was… was a giant gold dildo. There was no way it was anything else. Fertility statue, Harry’s fucking arse, that was a dildo — that was a fucking dildo.

Harry shoved the tissue paper and the note with his name on it aside. Were they having a fucking laugh? Malfoy was never going to let him hear the end of this, Harry thought unhappily, as he clasped his hand around the dildo and brought it up for inspection.

Just as he did that, he felt an electric shock run through his body and dropped the dildo back into the box with a yelp.

“What the fuck?” Harry spluttered, shoving the box away as he stared, open mouthed, at the dildo — because the dildo was no longer lying flat on the packaging but standing upright and… and… was it vibrating? It looked like it was fucking purring!

Harry had seen a lot of things in his life, and at this point it took a lot to shock him, but as the dildo hopped — HOPPED — out of the box and jumped towards him, Harry decided this was the final straw. The dildo seemed to be using its balls to project itself across the room — it reminded Harry of a pogostick in the worst way possible. The dildo rubbed up against his leg, and Harry brought his leg up onto the sofa as fast as he possibly could — so fast he may have in fact pulled a muscle.

The dildo continued and started growling, and this was too much — this was all too much!

Harry swallowed and caught sight of the letter with his name on, and Summoned it, opening it up to read.

_ Dear Mr Harry Potter, _

_ Thank you so much for your generous contribution to our cause, we and the children are so grateful. We look forward to using the money to refurnish the bedrooms so our children can feel right at home. _

_ Regarding to your purchase of the Ancient Fertility Statue, a bit of background information. Do not touch this with your bare hands until you are ready to use it because it will react to your magic and bond with you. For full use of the Ancient Fertility Statue, think of your loved one when touching the statue. If you have any further questions please do contact our historical expert or, if needed, Malfoy Manor, from where the statue was donated. _

Harry stopped reading — he really wished he had listened to Hermione about reading  the instructions before he diving straight in.

He had just bonded himself to a fucking dildo, and Malfoy was the person he had to ask about it.

Harry buried his face in the sofa cushion and let out a pitiful groan — this was just his fucking luck, and to make matters worse, the dildo was still growling at him.

It took Harry a while to gather up the strength to attempt to call Malfoy — the main reason it took so long being that every time he dared to put his foot on the floor, the dildo hopped towards him expectantly.

Harry had tried Vanishing, Banishing and Stupefying the dildo — and all three had failed. He had tried  _ Reducto _ ,  _ Petrificus Totalus _ and  _ Incendio _ — and the dildo was still standing! Well, the dildo was still on the floor growling at him. Apparently magical Ancient Fertility Statues didn’t like it when their owners tried to destroy them.

In a moment of desperation, Harry had even tried using  _ Expelliarmus _ , but shockingly nothing had happened. In the end, he had given the dildo a swift kick — thanking Merlin for steel-toe-capped Auror boots —  and legged it over to the Floo to call Malfoy.

“Malfoy!” Harry yelled urgently. He didn’t have long before the dildo came for him. “Malfoy!”

“Merlin, Potter,” he heard Malfoy cry, and the first thing Harry absently noticed was that Malfoy was barefoot as he hurried towards the Floo and dropped to his knees, his blond hair falling over his eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Harry suddenly realised he had no idea how to explain the situation. “Urmm,” he said stupidly — Malfoy’s hair was wet and there was a water droplet tracing its way down his cheek. “Are you just out of the shower?”

“Did you call me to check up on my shower habits?” Malfoy said, a dark blush spreading over his cheek.

“No!” Harry said, groaning. “I called because…” he trailed off upon hearing an ominous hopping sound behind him. “Look, can you just come round, please?”

“Potter,” Malfoy said again, but Harry cut him off.

“Please, Malfoy, I really need your help.”

Malfoy’s face softened, and Harry breathed out a sigh of relief.

“You’re the best.”

“I haven’t said yes,” Malfoy countered, raising his eyebrows and smirking.

“Thank you!” Harry called before quickly retreating from the Floo. He lunged across the room before the dildo could catch him.

By the time Malfoy arrived, Harry was perched on the back of his sofa, lazily casting spells at the dildo, which was full on barking at him now.

“Hey,” Harry said, raising his left hand in a two fingered salute as he quickly fired off a Silencing spell — to no avail.

Malfoy’s jaw dropped, and for the first time since Harry had started working with Malfoy, Malfoy was rendered speechless.

“I know,” Harry sighed as he tried to Transfigure the dildo into a puppy or something more enjoyable, but it didn’t work. Shockingly. “I need your help.”

“Potter,” Malfoy said slowly, his eyes on the dildo. Harry understood; it  _ was _ pretty shocking. “What do you want my help with?” There was that dull flush on Malfoy’s cheeks again.

“I’m not suggesting you fuck me with the dildo,” Harry said quickly, wanting to make that clear. He could feel himself blushing at this point. “Or that I fuck you with it!”

That sentence certainly got Malfoy’s attention, as he jerked his head up, staring at Harry like he had never seen him before. “I wasn’t insinuating that was your intention in the slightest!” Malfoy squawked.

Harry ducked his head, and cast an aggressive  _ Stupify _ at the dildo. The dildo just seemed to absorb the spells. Harry wondered idly if the spells were making it stronger.  “Oh, yeah, of course not. Anyway, this fucking dildo came from your house apparently, and I want it to leave me alone.”

Malfoy was still staring at Harry as if he couldn’t quite get over the fucking-with-dildo comment. Harry sighed and continued firing spells at the dildo, waiting for Malfoy to recover.

Eventually Malfoy managed to stammer out some noises that Harry supposed were meant to resemble words.

“Can you help?” Harry sighed, leaning his forearms on his knees and staring at Malfoy in what he hoped was a sincere manner. “Please?”

“What do you want me to do?” Malfoy said, a crease between his eyebrows as he stepped towards the dildo. He had his investigation face on. Harry took a moment to appreciate Malfoy’s outfit — he was in grey trackies, a slim-fitting black top, and with his damp hair, he looked good. Really good.

Harry knew he was bi-sexual, and he knew Malfoy was objectively attractive, but he’d never really thought about being attracted  _ to _ Malfoy. However, like this Malfoy looked almost soft — Draco Malfoy could never and never would be soft, but there was something…

“Potter,” Malfoy prompted, bending to a crouch to inspect the dildo.

“You own trackies?” Harry blurted out.

“Really?” Malfoy asked, glancing up, eyebrows raised in amusement. “Aren’t there more important matters at hand?”

“Oh yeah, the dildo,” Harry said, returning his attention to the dildo, which had hopped towards Malfoy and seemed to be inspecting him. 

Malfoy blushed again, and Harry smirked — he’d never noticed how easily Malfoy blushed before. “Don’t call it that.”

“What? A dildo?” Harry laughed, dropping down onto the sofa cushions now the dildo was distracted with Malfoy. “It is a dildo! Like, Ancient Fertility Statue, my arse.” Malfoy’s smirk grew, and Harry laughed, “Oh, fuck you.”

“See calling it a dildo turns everything into a sexual innuendo,” Malfoy said, grinning crookedly at Harry before pulling his wand out and casting some diagnosis spells. “Yeah, I must have accidentally donated this to the charity auction.”

“How do you accidentally donate a dildo?”

“How do you accidentally buy a dildo?” Malfoy countered.

Harry would give him that one. “Fair enough,” he sighed, dragging his hands through his hair. “Now what am I supposed to do with it?” Malfoy blushed again, and Harry grinned to himself — he’d had no idea Malfoy was such a prude. “I didn’t mean like that.”

Malfoy’s blush deepened. “Fuck off,” he muttered, before stepping back from the dildo. “Well, Potter, you’ve fucked it.”

“I haven’t!” Harry spluttered before pausing, “Oh. That’s not what you meant…” Malfoy let out a small noise and Harry gave him an apologetic smile. “What do you mean?” Harry sighed, as the dildo bound back over to him and started rubbing itself against his leg — Harry didn’t have the energy to kick it away.

Malfoy smirked. “Well, you have bonded yourself to the Ancient Malfoy Fertility Statue, and not only that, but you were thinking about someone you desired when you — like the prat you are — decided to touch it with your bare hands, meaning that you have bonded yourself and some poor bugger to the dildo,” Malfoy paused, crouching down to inspect it again. “I’m really not sure how you even managed to bond yourself to it in the first place. I thought you had to be a Malfoy to use it. That’s what father always said.”

Harry’s leg shot back up onto the sofa at the speed of light. “You’re telling me your parents used this dildo!”

“It’s not actually a dildo!” Malfoy said, before gagging. “And Merlin fuck, don’t say things like that!”

“I can’t believe I’ve touched a dildo your dad has used!”

“He hasn’t used it because it’s not  _ actually  _ a dildo!” Malfoy hissed, scowling up at Harry. “It’s an Ancient Malfoy Fertility Statue.  Malfoys didn’t actually,” Malfoy gestured vaguely, “you know.” He wrinkled his nose and sighed, “It’s just passed down through the family.”

“Ron’s family don’t have a communal dildo,” Harry said. 

He could never let Ron find out about this — Ron would  _ never  _ let him hear the end of it. Ten years later and Ron would still be laughing about the fact Harry had bonded himself to a dildo.

Malfoy sighed again. “Malfoys have a history of infertility, so we had this made, if I remember correctly. It’s how the Malfoy line has managed to have only one child and it be a son for the entire line. And now I won’t be able to use it because  _ you  _ bonded yourself to it.”

Harry paused. “Why would you need it? Aren’t you gay? Wait, this won’t get me pregnant, will it?!”

Malfoy gave Harry a long-suffering look that Harry had got to know well in their time as Auror partners. “Yes, Potter, I am gay, so I technically won’t need it. And no, the magic dildo will not get you knocked up.”

“Thank fuck,” Harry said, pushing the dildo away with his boot. The dildo growled at him before hopping back over to Malfoy, and to Harry’s great amusement it began rubbing itself against Malfoy’s leg. “So can you get rid of it?”

“Let me call my father tonight—”

“I’d really rather you didn’t,” Harry said, but Malfoy continued as if he hadn’t spoke.

“And I’ll let you know what he says tomorrow,” Malfoy sighed, smoothing his damp hair off his forehead. “You try figure out who you bonded yourself and this bloody thing to.” Malfoy gave the dildo a gentle nudge to get it to move away and the fucking thing whined. Brilliant, the dildo preferred Malfoy to Harry — Harry wasn’t quite sure why that irritated him aside from the principle of it.

Harry groaned. “What am I meant to do with it tonight? I can’t have it follow me to bed!”

Malfoy had turned around and started moving back towards the Floo — dildo bounding behind him — but Harry didn’t miss the way he stumbled as Harry said that. Harry would bet he was blushing again. “You’ll figure it out,” Malfoy said, his breath sounding a little short.

Harry grinned at Malfoy’s discomfort. “Thanks for trying to figure it out. Even if you’re leaving me here with an overeager dildo.” 

Malfoy paused by the Floo, glancing over his shoulder — he really was very attractive. There was just  _ something  _ about him that for a brief moment had Harry’s breath catching. “Have fun with your dildo, Potter.”

“Fuck you,” Harry laughed, watching Malfoy vanish. Harry let out a long sigh and turned to the dildo that was currently howling at the floo in Malfoy’s absence. “Yes, yes, I wish he’d come back, too. But it’s just you and me, mate.”

Harry couldn’t believe he was at a point in his life that he’d just called a dildo “mate.”

The dildo continued howling and Harry shot a Silencing Spell its way. Even though it didn’t work, it made Harry feel a bit better.

* * *

“What’s in the box?” Malfoy asked, as Harry trudged into the office late. He’d slept awfully, having been kept up by the fucking dildo — it had howled. Harry had tried locking the bloody thing in the old Grimmauld safe, but it had managed to Apparate itself out and appear in Harry’s bed.

Harry’s life had hit a new low; he had been forced to share his bed with a dildo — and not in the fun way. 

“Whatcha think?” Harry grumbled, yawning loudly. “Got any more potions?”

“You brought it to work?!” Malfoy hissed.

Harry shrugged; he was too tired to give too many shits. “I tried to leave without it and all it did was fucking appear next to me in the street. At least in the box I have some control of it.”

Malfoy’s eyes were wide, and Harry let him have another moment to process all of that as he settled himself down at his desk. Malfoy’s hair was neat again now it was the morning — a shame, in Harry’s opinion. Malfoy had suited the rumpled look.

“You brought a Fertility Statue to work?” Malfoy said, slowly. The dildo let out a soft purr at the sound of Malfoy’s voice and Harry rolled his eyes at the stupid thing. His dildo fancied Malfoy — his life was a joke.

Harry shrugged again, propping his head up on his hand. “What else was I meant to do with it?”

Malfoy gave him an incredulous look before sighing. “Fair enough. Now do you want to hear about what my father told me about it?”

“Not if it involves having to hear about how your father used it,” Harry said, managing a weak grin.

Malfoy shuddered. “It doesn’t, though he was just as confused as I am to how  _ you  _ bonded yourself to a Malfoy Fertility Statue.” A smirk played at the corner of Malfoy’s mouth. “I’m only going to ask you this once. Were you thinking of my father when you first touched the dildo?”

Harry gagged, then scowled at Malfoy, who was looking very proud of himself. “Of course, I wasn’t thinking about your father. I don’t know what I was thinking about, I think I was thinking about…” Harry trailed off as he remembered exactly  _ who  _ he had been thinking about when he picked up the dildo.

Malfoy’s smirk fell from his lips. “Potter.”

“I was thinking about you,” Harry said slowly, wincing as he watched Malfoy’s entire face turn red. “You know, not like, sexually. I didn’t see the dildo and go, wow I’d love to fuck Malfoy with this or vice versa, you know, but I…” Everything Harry said seemed to turn Malfoy even more into a human tomato. “I was thinking about how you’d laugh at me for buying a dildo accidentally!”

“Me?” Malfoy shouted, spluttering. Harry absently wondered if Malfoy blushed all over. “Me!”

“I said it wasn’t sexual,” Harry muttered, ducking his head even though their cubicle walls protected him from onlookers.

“You bonded us both to a dildo,” Malfoy whimpered, just as the dildo began vibrating in its box. “Merlin fuck, Potter,” Malfoy sighed, dragging his hands through his hair.

“Sorry?” Harry said, because really, what else was there to say when you accidentally bonded you and your Auror partner to a dildo? However, the look Malfoy was giving him told Harry that perhaps there was something else he could have said.

* * *

By the end of the week with his pet dildo, Harry was losing the will to live. He hadn’t been able to go anywhere but work and home because of the risk of the fucking dildo following.

Explaining to Robards that Harry and Malfoy couldn’t do any field work right now because they —  _ Harry _ — had accidentally bonded them to an Ancient Fertility Statue had been a low point of Harry’s life.

However, it had not been quite as bad as when Ron had surprised Harry by Flooing into his house without warning to find Harry and Malfoy lying on the floor with take-away pizza boxes and a couple of books Malfoy had managed to find on the fertility statues. That wasn’t to mention the dildo hopping about, making noise and generally making its presence known.

The look on Ron’s face told Harry that he was never going to live this down, and the explanation of  _ we  _ —  _ I  _ —  _ accidentally bonded ourselves together to a fertility-statue _ - _ dildo-thing  _ had done nothing to evoke any empathy from Ron. He seemed to have transcended humour in that moment, and it took him a while to actually recover.

Harry had helped himself to another piece of pizza while he waited, and then the hysterics started. Ron had slumped to the floor, tears rolling down his face as he laughed and laughed and laughed. Harry at one point had actually become concerned that he had broken Ron, but then Ron let out a wheeze: “ _ You bonded you and Malfoy to a dildo!” _ and Harry had decided he didn’t care what happened to his so-called best mate.

“Always thought you two had a bit of a thing for each other,” Ron had said between bouts of laughter, causing Harry and Malfoy to blush and avoid looking at each other. Because Harry  _ hadn’t _ had a thing for Malfoy before the whole dildo thing, but he kind of did now. The dildo was forcing them to be together  _ all  _ the time and well… Malfoy was good fun. He was quick witted, bright and kind of charming in his own Malfoy way, and he was fit.

The dildo had a fucking hissy fit if they ever left each other’s sides and Malfoy had basically moved into Harry’s house over the last week. And when Harry had caught sight of Malfoy walking out of the shower, towel around his waist, slim chest shining and his hair wet, Harry had come to the conclusion that he very much did have a thing for Malfoy. Perhaps he’d had one for a while now and just hadn’t realised.

The dildo was a fucking menace because it had driven them to sharing a bed and all Harry wanted to do was reach over and stroke Malfoy’s hair, curl up behind him and kiss him. Harry really wanted to kiss him, because Malfoy looked like he had really soft lips and he always smelt nice.

However, it was clear that Malfoy was not feeling the same way, seeing as he blushed whenever Harry was slightly too affectionate or made a dildo joke. Also, they were Auror partners. Harry shouldn’t risk it. Couldn’t risk it. 

He really wanted to risk it.

Ron knowing about the dildo had led to Hermione knowing about the dildo, which had led to Hermione figuring out how to unbond them from the dildo.

It had been relatively simple in the end for Hermione to reverse the spell, and a week and a half after it had all began, Harry found himself staring down at a finally inactive dildo.

“Well,” Malfoy said and Harry couldn’t help it, he laughed. The entire thing had been too surreal. “Suppose I ought to go gather my stuff,” Malfoy said, and Harry didn’t want him to go. Having Malfoy at Grimmauld made Harry realise how much he missed living with someone since Ron and Hermione had got their own place. The house was too big for just him.

“Yeah,” Harry mumbled, giving the dildo a prod with his boot. He’d grown quite fond of the little bugger — or at least he’d grown quite fond of the fact he got to spend all his time with Malfoy. He didn’t look up as Malfoy left the room until Hermione let out an exasperated sigh.

“Honestly, Harry, you really are oblivious!”

“What?” Harry said, glancing up from the dildo.

Hermione rolled her eyes. “The Fertility Statue can only bond you both if there’s mutual interest.” Harry stared at her. “He likes you!”

“Oh,” Harry said stupidly.

Ron snorted. “He’s liked you for ages, you prat.”

“You knew?!” Harry spluttered.

Ron shrugged. “Nah, Hermione pointed it out yesterday, but I see it now.”

“Oh,” Harry repeated, glancing between his two best friends.

Hermione shook her head and gave him a smile. “Go after him, Harry. We’ll dispose of the fertility statue and see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Harry said, not bothering to give them a chance to change their minds as he scrambled out of the room after Malfoy.

Harry paused in the doorway of his room, watching Malfoy bent over his bag, folding his clothes up.

“Hey,” Harry said softly, smiling as Malfoy jumped. 

Malfoy narrowed his eyes, looking lost as he stared at Harry, shirt crumbled in his hands. “Hey,” he echoed.

“I’ve had fun this week, you know,” Harry said, shuffling his feet. Malfoy’s gaze was heavy on him. “I’ve enjoyed hanging out with you.”

“You have?” Malfoy said, “I thought you hated it all.”

“The dildo was a pain,” Harry laughed, “but your company wasn’t.” He bit his lip, searching for the words. “I don’t want to stop just because we’re not bonded anymore.”

“What are you trying to say?” Malfoy said. “We see each other every day at work.”

Harry was always awful at this — he was better with actions than words. “I’m trying to say,” he said slowly, “that I like you, in the kind of way the dildo wanted me to.”

Malfoy laughed. “I can’t believe you just said that.” But before Harry could say anything else, Malfoy was striding towards him and taking his face in his hands and kissing him.

Harry had been right — Malfoy did have soft lips. Malfoy had soft lips and a warm mouth, and he kissed Harry like he had been wanting to do so for years.

“I can’t believe it took a fucking dildo to get you to kiss me,” Malfoy murmured, leaning his forehead against Harry’s.

Harry laughed, brushing his lips against Malfoy’s again. “Was it a long hard wait?” Harry couldn’t help himself.

“Was that a dildo pun?” Malfoy said, pulling back and glaring at Harry. Harry grinned at him and Malfoy rolled his eyes. “I’ll show you long and hard.”

Harry let out a bark of laughter before pulling Malfoy in for another deep kiss. “I’m counting on it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments add to my life span <3
> 
> Find me on tumblr [@gracie137blogs](http://gracie137blogs.tumblr.com)


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